21 AUGUST 2002:
THE MOTHERFUCKER HAS LANDED.
THE MOTHERFUCKER HAS LANDED.
ACHTUNG CITIZENS OF EARTH:
O.K., this story has been
pirated more times than your asshole in the Hazard County lock up…. so
don’t be surprised if it leaves some funky boils on your genitals. But
yes my wigglies, it was way back in 1995 when I first found out about a
li’l treasure titled “Stinky Fingers”, plans went into effect immediately
to obtain what had to be a guaranteed hit? I mean with a song called “Midnight
NAMBLA” (in the days when over-zealous PC dogma patrollers ruled “the scene”)
you can’t go wrong. The completely in your face Hobbit-Motherfucker bustin’
attitude and loud-ass action riffage made this a refreshing treat from
the usual lame pseudo pussy ‘hardcore’ manure manifesting itself and passing
for punk in back those days. (things would only go downhill from there
but that’s another story). A whole band joined in enhanced aggression mode
attacking Dungeons and Dragons retards gets my thumbs up any day. (“Your
Cloak of Indifference will not protect you from the vicious attacks of
a psychotic Denim Demon shredding your face and taking a hot steaming shit
on your breastplate!!!”)
Although I WAS SOLD (5 years
ahead of my time, as always) the rest of us non-Norwegian Euro’s and later
the remaining parts of the world remained unaware of this fantastic band
for at least half a decade. Only when this thing called “The Scandinavian
Wave” was upon us, taking the world by storm, TURBONEGRO briefly took to
the slimelight, quickly moving on to create a different musical genre,
all in their own right (which would become known as DEATHPUNK). Soon after,
they exploded like a wet sock of spooge hitting a frathouse wall, long
before reaching their peek. No justice in Rock ‘n’ Roll?AGAIN.
The fateful year was 1998,
my friends?Buggers can’t be choosers, you say??
Well, now that you are properly
briefed, let it be known that NORWAY’S DEATHPUNK SUPERSTARS and masters
of dungaree TURBONEGRO are back!!
THAT’S RIGHT! The band has
just signed to Burning Heart/Epitaph.
If you pissed your pants
hearing “Ass Cobra”? If you creamed your BVD’s during “Apocalypse Dudes”…
Well, get ready to shit yourself senseless when you hear their upcoming
album!…because no bones about it: the Danger Dudes will continue to throw
out more and more hilarious shit as their (ahem) star glistens brighter
yet. In addition to the quality music, which borrows blatantly from 70′s
sources as well as old school 80′s hardcore roots (much like Kunta Kente),
the lyrics also offers one of the most perceptive and brilliantly inflated
renditions of some Euro-US trash culture hybrid that appears to have been
conceived in some twisted darkroom of sorts. With utter disregard for taste
or class, tongues are stuck up ALL KINDS OF cheeks ALL THE TIME. Gripping
drama it definitely AIN’T. And that’s why we love it so much! APOCALYPSE
DUDES is one fucked up amyl-nitrate induced trip through what seems to
be several genres, it will, no doubt stand the test of time royally as
a true MASTERPIECE in a class of it’s own. A true juggernaut of the genre.
And if something’s good enough for the most jaded of jaded, bet your bippy
it’ll be good enough for you. TURBONEGRO offer a nutritious and well-balanced
meal that includes all of the trimmings. They also got enough raw fibre
to clog the ass of a pregnant chinchilla.
But, the band is successful
at so many different levels for a number of other reasons as well! TURBONEGRO
don’t need to rely on hotrods, flames, devil chicks, or fuzzy dice imagery.
Besides, there’s too many mental and chemical demons involved for the band
to devote time to such superficial symbolics. The band broke up in the
emergency room of a mental hospital in Milan, ending their triumphant “Darkness
Forever!” 1998 tour in ruins, and have spent the last 4 years licking their
wounds, preparing for their triumphant comeback, which has included headlining
this summer’s Bizarre, Quart and Hultsfred Festivals, playing for a total
of at least 100.000 crazed pieces of Euro Trash.
(left to right) Pål
Pot Pamparius, Hank Von Helvete, Rune Rebellion, Euroboy, Happy Tom and
Chris Summers getting ready for some darkness.
Must-have classics to be
re-released by BHR:
Ass Cobra (1996)
A Dazzling Display
I Got Erection
Turbonegro Hate The
Imorgen Skal Eg Daue
Raggare Is A Bunch
Apocalypse Dudes (1998)
The Age Of Pamparius
Get It On
Rock Against Ass
Don’t Say Motherfucker,
Rendezvous With Anus
Zillion Dollar Sadist
Prince Of The Rodeo
Back To Dungaree High
Are You Ready (For
Monkey On Your Back
- They got the songs. Ones
you can sing along to with your fist raised in the air. Songs that WILL
ROCK THE HAIR OFF YOUR ASS AND MAKE YOU CRY LIKE A MAN.
- They got the denim. (arguably
the most genius concept since the Ramones, in a day and age where we’re
“treated” to whining teens and goofy-toothed college dorks who look like
they stepped out of a Tommy Hilfiger ad).
- They got a shtick. A GOOD
one. The gay part is a bit of an enigma, don’t ask. Other characters evolve
around maritime themes, a most blatant Alice Cooper look-alike, and much
- TURBONEGRO HAVE A DOCTRINE
that operates on many levels of consciousness, most of which are far too
elaborate for their critics’ intellectual capacities to grasp. They call
it “Darkness”. Once again, don’t ask.
- They have undying credibility
status with “the kids”. Lacking multi-million funded promotion campaigns
the band achieved WORLDWIDE success in spite of THE MOST ADVERSE CONDITIONS
doing it THE HARD WAY, out there on the road, like real rock’n'roll bands
should. This is not some fucking White Stripes “saviours Of Rock’n'Roll”
media hype bullshit! Nobody cares about Rock’n'roll, and nobody cares about
a European band. These guys are BOTH. Go figure. As it stands now, TURBONEGRO
are huge enough to turn down serious major record deals.
- None of the members of
- Friends in high places:
Suddenly EVERYONE wants to be chums with them. Currently, TURBONEGRO has
had rim-jobs from Metallica, the Norwegian Black Metal elite (Mayhem occasionally
play Turbo tunes live and claim that “Turbonegro is THEE most evil band
in the world”, Jello Biafra (who claimed that Apocalypse Dudes was “possibly
the best European record ever”, the Beastie Boys, Placebo, the Hives (who
stated in an recent interview that “something as great as Turbonegro happens
only once every century”, and many more, as heard on last years “Alpha
Motherfuckers: A Tribute to Turbonegro” (Bitzcore), which included tracks
from The Queens of the Stone Age, The Supersuckers, The Residents (!),
Satyricon and many more.
- Their legions: Yes, TURBONEGRO
can marshall up their own private 5th column army consisting of countless
loyal human slave volunteers (which are called “TURBOJUGEND”) to carry
out their grand schemes. As the band proceeds to seize control of rock-fodder
and society minds alike, they are expected to press forward with their
ultimate move for global domination. Currently, TURBOJUGEND chapters are
found everywhere on the planet. From Tromsø, Norway, to Santiago
de Chile via Cornwall, – on all continents (the USA alone accounts for
7 Turbo cover bands). This incredible global phenomenon slipped by the
defences of any and all established media on a worldwide scale on all continents.
So listen to Sluggy, folks.
I’ve been saying this all along: REAL ROCKNROLL IS CONFRONTATIONAL, AND
HITS YOU BELOW THE BELT. By now, maybe you can take a wild guess at who
fits that bill.
Look, I’ve seen ‘em rock,
and I’ve seen ‘em roll, so trust me, people. Hundreds did before you! I’ve
been playing this punk rock shit since 1978 and it’s not for nothing that
I’m recognized as one of the world authority on the subject. OK, so I don’t
have a record deal. And no, I never get a whammy. But when I solve the
puzzle it gets the ladies wet. My joker’s always wild, bitch. And if you
ever doubt my intellectual supremacy again, I’ll bust out some Jet Li moves
and kick your goofy ass to the curb. So what I’m saying is, get on board
of the Man-Train. The Man-Train that is Turbonegro.
Tony Slug, Amsterdam, August