“Do the Math” column by Dave Reeves
originally published in Arthur No. 24 (Oct 02006)

Mission Creeps: One of Us Is Not as Dumb as All of Us

For the first time in history, the average American is as informed as the president, whose grasp of world affairs is Power Point deep. From what Americans can tell by looking at the current clusterfuck on television is that Palestinians are like Mexicans: fierce sons of bitches with the same preference for moustaches and shitbox stucco. The type of people that swarm over fences erected in the middle of a desert in order to get at civilization. Palestinians need to get out of the street and stop their kids from throwing rocks. Go home and take a bath. I mean really, were they raised in a hovel?

The British gave Israel to the Jews fair and square. If that isn’t enough to get these so-called Palestinians high on Zion then maybe they need to check out a little real estate document called the Bible which makes it clear who belongs “down among the Philistines,” wherever that is.

Israel has been a gracious host. If I was Israel I would force these wandering Arabs into a voluntary “Back to Palestine” movement modeled on the deal we had with Marcus Gravy and the coloreds. Nothing is too good for these guys, and that’s exactly what they get.

The mandate of America, cobbled together from innate prejudice, televison news, propaganda from football coaches masquerading as high school history teachers demands that we bomb any building that hates super double freedom and the fries that come with it. Then strafe whoever runs from the wreckage.

Our leaders won’t let one of these bleeding head liberal house Arabs doubletalk us into getting specific about which Arabs did what. The known knowns of what we now know we did know then doesn’t matter anymore. It’s racialistic to discriminate.

America is actually raising the quantifiable dollar amount an Arab life is worth; the cost of guided munitions fuel goes through the roof with every salvo. It’s what Yahweh would do if he had the money. Freedom isn’t free.

It’s better if a thousand men die—or fuck it, I’ll raise you to 3,000 dead—than letting even one flea on a terrorist get away. Besides, Americans are learning geography. Who knew that Lesbanon was next to Syria? Then Iran, which is next to Iraq, Pipelineistan and then Pakistan. Lined up, just like dominoes. They should use this imagery to package the current police action as nothing but a nice long game of bones.

War is hell to Shabazz Sixpack but to “the Great Satan,” hell ain’t no thing. Getting into it with Iran will be twice as fun as the party in Iraq. Just ask the British. So after we kick Iran’s ass we’ll go on to Pakistan, who have a nuclear bomb.

You hear so many pernicious lies about radiation. If you pull the camera way, way back on nuclear warfare, you’ll see that it is just an evolutionary step from the intelligent designer. God made thee and god made dirt so dirt can’t hurt. Look at Japan! A couple flashes is all it took to get those murderous buggers to make cars that don’t break down. Those assholes at Ford could use a little of that. Of course having gills and extra eyes looks crazy at first, but the future always looks alien to the past.

Nuclear threats are important to worry about because we can’t do a damn thing about them, except be sure that we don’t vote some idiot into office. If some fool took control using deception, then the able-bodied populace would be obliged to remove him from his post by any means necessary before he got us into a stupid war we can’t get out of.

But either way, war is fun. I was in Brooklyn when the second building fell down on 9/11 (not the movie) and let me tell you, mass carnage gets people laid faster than Myspace. The dead are heroes, and the wounded get all the Percosets they can eat.

As patriots, it is our duty to inflict super-violence to rid the world of shitty dictators and their Republican guards, be they in Iraq or Washington, D.C. So come on you damn hipsters, for the sake of your providentially unborn children, get on your cell phones and flashmob the White House, and with vigorous patriotism, grab Bush by his turkey neck and make this Cluster’s Last Fuck.