JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH GOD
By George Leddy

I just called 800-CALL-GOD and got “all operators are busy, your call is important to us, so please stay on the line and one of our operators will answer your call as soon as possible.”
Then I had to hear Heaven’s “wait” music which was a hybrid of Gregorian chant and Sanskrit devotionals. Not bad actually.
Then the recording said, “some calls are monitored by God for quality assurance” made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Then I got the operator and it was my boy Thomas Merton. He said “Thank you for calling God, my name is Thomas Merton, how can I help you?”
and I said. “Dude, I have always wanted to talk to you, even more than to God since I really don’t know HimHerIt.”
Merton said “One is always glad to be of service” (which reminded me of a Robin Williams movie, so I laughed).
And then I said, “whassup wif all this messy shit on earth regarding your company and its services. Many dissatisfied customers are going over to Satan for more instant gratification.”
Merton said, “we are well aware of the competition, but please bear with us as God is making some changes to improve quality and customer satisfaction.”
I said, “that won’t be a minute too soon, we already in deep shit with the enviro thing and the religion thing is busting our butts.”
Merton said “we are hoping to have some technical support out in your area soon; we understand that you have some elections soon and that you are at war blowing up some poor countries and fighting over the devil’s excrement” (How well Merton knows me and that I know the reference is to oil.)
“Yes, indeed” I said. “As Jim Kunstler says, ‘It’s a clusterfuck in a shitstorm.'”
Merton laughed and said “God always appreciates well placed vulgarity”
I said “I know, when I hear from himherit it’s usually in loving but deprecating language, like ‘you stupid fuck, why do you think I’m such a stinker? I love you guys, I mean it. I’ll do anything for you monkeys. Hell, I even made horses you could ride, and what did you do? you traded them for tanks so you could fight wars.’ But I gotta tell you Father Louie, we need some help pronto here”.
Merton replied– “Our technicians will be there shortly. You can spot them in the white vans. They have cumbersome wings which they can’t take off but makes them easy to i.d.”
“OK, what will they do when they get here?” I asked
Merton replied– “I am sure you will have your faith restored after they set the record straight, expose some major hypocrites and help some of your courageous ones reveal the truth about recent historical events.”
“OK” says me. “but what of the Islam vs West thing and the nukes and the global warming?”
“Not to worry” said Merton “we will give you some new tools to fix your mess.”
“Like what?” I asked a little testy…
“Spine, balls, reason, courage and love” he said.
“I thought we already had those” said I.
“No, those were in beta testing, now we have version 2.3 and it’s much better” said Merton. “How will we install them?” I asked
“It’s easy, just double click on the “new human” icon and follow the dialog until you get to the Safe to install button. Then you must click yes when it asks you if you have it in ya to use “new human 2.3”.
“Thomas, you rock!”
“I know he said, we all rock up here.”

via Michael Simmons!