Category Archives for Paul Krassner

"Assholes of the Week" by Paul Krassner

*Anybody who text messages while driving, unless the message being texted is, “Hey, what’s happening? I’m in my car now, just about to crash. Please say goodbye to my family. And if I cause someone’s death beside my own, would you sincerely apologize for me….”

*ABC News anchor Charles Gibson, for introducing a propaganda piece–“A bit of a surprise today. Two long and persistent critics of the Bush administration’s handling of the war today wrote a column in the New York Times saying that after a recent eight-day visit to Iraq they find significant changes taking place”–when in reality Michael O’Hanlon and Kenneth Pollock originally supported the war even before it began (Pollack’s 2002 book was titled “The Threatening Storm: The Case for Invading Iraq”). The next day, Dick Cheney perpetuated that party lie on Larry King Taped without being challenged. Cheney also insisted that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were secretly married in Massachusetts, then adopted a Chinese baby.

*The Southern Baptist Convention and Focus on the Family, for writing this joint letter to the American Psychological Association for considering a public denunciation of any attempt by therapists to change sexual orientation: “We believe that psychologists should assist clients to develop lives that they value, even if that means they decline to identify as homosexual.” They were also concerned that such an APA policy could lead to so-called heterosexuals undergoing conversion therapy in order to return to their gay roots.

*The Israeli government, for offering an increase of a mere $20 increase in its monthly $487 stipend for Holocaust survivors to compensate for years of neglecting its 240,000 citizens who suffered through the Nazi concentration camps. Ironically, survivor groups charge that they are now treated better in Germany than in Israel.

*Retired Lt. General Philip Kensinger, for lying about when he became aware that former football star Pat Tillman’s death in Afghanistan was actually caused by friendly fire, a cover-up allowing the U.S. to portray him as a hero. Kensinger confessed that he had been brainwashed as an adolescent when he saw the Paddy Chayefsky movie, “The Americanization of Emily.”

*Pepsico, for selling its Aquafina bottled water with a drawing of mountains over the nameplate to imply that the source of the water was mountain springs, although it is actually tap water. Henceforth their bottles will be labeled P.W.S. for “public water source” or, if you prefer, “piss without sodium.”

*Capitalism, for causing profits to trump compassion–Johnson & Johnson cuts 4,800 jobs and shares rise; Unilever cuts 20,000 jobs and shares rise–while addicts to the system continue to snort the bottom line.

*Rupert Murdoch, for demonstrating so blatantly how money buys power. Be on the lookout for the new Wall Street Enquirer, featuring a cover story on the economic repercussions of Hillary Clinton’s cleavage accompanied by a life-sized photo.

*Republican Senator James Inhofe, for calling global warming a hoax.

*Anti-asshole of the week: Jeff Berkin, deputy director of the FBI’s Security Division, for replacing its hypocritical 13-year drug policy disqualifying applicants from becoming agents if they had used marijuana more than 15 times. He explained that it created problems for those who, when asked in polygraph exams, couldn’t remember how many times they had smoked pot.
——–
Paul Krassner is the author of “One Hand Jerking: Reports From an Investigative Satirist,” and publisher of the Disneyland Memorial Orgy poster, both available at paulkrassner.com.

"Assholes of the Week" by Paul Krassner

*The parents of Jerry Yang and the parents of the late Tammy Faye Messner, for their strictness that went awry. Jerry, who won $8.25 million at the World Series of Poker, was forbidden to gamble as a child, and Tammy Faye, known for her trademark false eyelashes and overbearing facial cosmetics, grew up in a rigid home where she was forbidden to wear makeup.

*National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell, for defending newly approved CIA torture boundaries–“If I announce what the specific [permissible] measures are,” he said, “it would aid those who want to resist those measures”–and an anonymous administration official, who parroted the party line that, if such tactics were not kept secret, it would “only enable Al Qaeda to train against those [methods] they know are on or off.” Sample training moment: “All right, gentlemen, when you are given the water-boarding treatment, keep saying to yourself, ‘I’m not drowning, I’m not drowning….”

*Dick Cheney, for pretending that it was a sudden change for him to be in charge of the White House only during the 2-1/2 hours that the so-called president was under sedation for a colonoscopy. Also, E-bay has confirmed that Cheney attempted to auction off the five polyps which were removed from Bush’s colon and diagnosed as benign despite their malignant host.

*Senators John D. Rockefeller IV and Daniel K. InInouye (both Democrats) for respectively sponsoring and fast-tracking a bill directing the FCC to maintain a policy that a single word or image can be enough to trigger indecency fines. Bush reacted, “This shit has got to stop,” and Cheney said, “Go fuck yourself.”

*NBC producers for bribing police across the country, and those same police for accepting the bribes, to let “Dateline” film confrontations with suspects who were lured to homes with hidden cameras, including a suspected predator who was arrested and filmed at his own home after failing to show up at a rigged house 35 miles away, and killed himself as the cameras closed in on him. A spokesperson for NBC had no comment except to announce the network’s upcoming new series, “Entrapped.”

*Dr. David Matlock, a pioneer in “boutique cosmetic gynecologic laser surgery,” for marketing the procedure–costing $6,000-$8,000–as enhancing a woman’s sexual experience. What’s next: iphone-2 will include a vibrating dildo.

*Purdue Pharmacy and three of its executives, for claiming to doctors that the prescription painkiller OxyContin was less addictive and less subject to abuse than other such medications, while the drug has resulted in hundreds of deaths each year. True, their pain disappeared in the process. However, prosecutors have dropped the charge that physicians were urged to suggest that patients pop the perilous pills with a Pez dispenser.

*The DEA, for sending threatening letters to landlords who rent space to medical marijuana dispensaries, causing many unnecessary and illegal evictions. Although the 5,000-year-old weed has not caused any deaths, there have been fears that users would raid their neighbors’ refrigerators.

*The Chinese government, for not making use of its oil-buying leverage with Sudan to end the strife in Darfur. Activists have threatened to brand the Olympic games in Beiing as the “Genocide Olympics” if China does not apply pressure on Sudan to stop the conflict. Meanwhile, China insists that it is becoming more humane every day, and now allows slave laborers to listen to pirated CDs while they work.

*Former Hollywood madam Jody “Babydol” Gibson, for planning to testify in the Phil Spector trial that Lana Clarkson worked for her as a prostitute, even though Gibson’s “trick book,” which was seized as evidence in her own trial, had been doctored to include a fake Clarkson entry. Concomitantly, People magazine has selected Spector as “the sexiest man alive.”

*Anti-Asshole of the Week: Rev. Reggie Longcrier, who YouTubed this question to John Edwards in the course of the, er um, debate on CNN: “Politicians have used religion to justify slavery, segregation and men-only voting. So why is it still acceptable to use religion to deny gay Americans their full and equal rights?” Edwards justified his own religious beliefs to explain his opposition to gay marriage, and Ann Coulter commented, “Okay, maybe he isn’t a faggot then.”

———-
Paul Krassner is the author of “One Hand Jerking: Reports From an Investigative Satirist,” and publisher of the Disneyland Memorial Orgy poster, both available at paulkrassner.com

"Assholes of the Week" by Paul Krassner

In the ’60s, “Assholes of the Month” was a feature in my satirical magazine, The Realist. In the ’70s, “Asshole of the Month” was a feature in Larry Flynt’s Hustler. Currently, on MSNBC’s Countdown, Keith Olbermann has a feature, “Worst Person in the World,” which is usually Bill O’Reilly. And now I’m posting “Assholes of the Week” in this cyberspace. I avoid targets like President Bush and Cardinal Mahony, because they’re such ongoing, obvious choices. The beauty of Comments is that readers can post their own asshole selections that I neglect to include. Here are mine for this week:

*Scholastic, publisher of the Harry Potter series, for setting midnight Friday as the opening salvo for sales of the latest book, thereby forcing countless children to stay up way past their bedtime. Just for that I’m going to reveal how it ends. Harry and his friends and enemies are all having dinner at the same restaurant, but when you turn over the final page, it’s totally blank.

*Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Maliki, for telling reporters, “We say in full confidence that we are able, God willing, to take the responsibility completely in running the security file if the international forces withdraw at any time they want,” but the next day his advisor announced that Maliki meant that efforts to bolster Iraq’s security forces would continue “side by side with the withdrawal.” Dick Cheney had called to remind Malaki that those videos of him humping a camel during Ramadan were hidden away in a safe place.

*The unknown White House official who ordered Dr. Richard Carmona–George Bush’s Surgeon General for four years–to mention Bush’s name three times on each page of every speech he gave. He was fired for writing this sentence: “When it comes to abstinence, you can be sure that George Bush practices what he preaches.”

*Lousiana Governor Kathleen Babineaux, for signing legislation that penalizes doctors who perform a late-term abortion–they would face fines up to $10,000 and prison up to ten years–making her state the first to restrict such surgery since the federal ban in 2003. The new law allows the procedure only when a woman’s life would otherwise be endangered. However, it will be considered a crime if the pregnancy is expected merely to cause health problems. That’s not a joke.

*The owners of several medical marijuana dispensaries in California, for–if it’s true, as alleged by the Drug Enforcement Adminstration–profiteering from the illegal distribution of pot by charging patients two or three times the street value. Presumably, other government agencies will follow the lead of the DEA and coerce other businesses to stick to free-market protocols.

*Nebraska Judge Jeffre Cheuvront, for ordering a college student who was raped not to use the words “rape,” “victim,” “assailant” or “sexual assault” on the witness stand for fear of prejudicing the jury. Perhaps she can testify that “He stuck his thing in my thing against my will.” George Carlin is expected to introduce a bit in his next HBO performance about “The five words you can’t say in court.”

*Food and Drug Administration commissioner Dr. Andrew von Eschenbach, for insisting that the FDA’s decision to close seven of its 13 laboratories would enhance the agency’s ability to target unsafe food–this in the face of severe criticism from Congress–but he is as determined as salmonella swimming upstream.
——-
Paul Krassner is the author of One Hand Jerking: Reports From an Investigative Satirist, and publisher of the Disneyland Memorial Orgy poster, both available from paulkrassner.com.

"Pedophiles Competition" by Paul Krassner

“Pedophiles Competition” by Paul Krassner

From the lead story on the front page of the LA Times:

“The Archdiocese of Los Angeles agreed Saturday to a $660-million settlement with 508 people who have accused priests of sexual abuse, by far the biggest payout in the child molestation scandal that has rocked the Roman Catholic Church nationwide…dwarf[ing] the next largest settlements in the U.S., including those reached in Boston, at $157 million, and in Portland, Ore., at $129 million….”

There was no mention of the contest for predator priests in Coney Island, where the winner ate 66 altar boys in 12 minutes.

———
Satirist Paul Krassner will perform at M Bar in Hollywood on July 20.
More info: paulkrassner.com

A REVIEW OF THE TRIBUTE TO MORT SAHL by Paul Krassner

When my wife Nancy was 16, she listened over and over to Mort Sahl’s first album until she memorized it, just as she had done with the score of My Fair Lady. Last week, we sat behind Sahl, watching him enjoy and appreciate a tribute to him by a gaggle of comedians at the Wadsworth Theater in Brentwood.

There were the original gang members: Jonathan Winters (in character as an aging baseball star); Norm Crosby (master of malapropism); and Shelley Berman (doing his classic rotary-phone call, still dialing a number rather than pressing buttons).

And there was the newer breed: a surprise appearance by George Carlin (his set piece on contemporary schizophrenic man followed by a film clip of his 1962 impression of Sahl); Jay Leno (fat jokes); Richard Lewis (dick jokes); Drew Carey (referring to the bus driver who told Rosa Parks to move to the back of the bus as “the father of the civil rights movement”); Harry Shearer introducing Kevin Nealon; and Bill Maher re-introducing political incorrectness.

Woody Allen and Don Rickles sent their good wishes via video. The program mentioned that “Comedians scheduled to appear are subject to personal availability.” Thus, David Steinberg and David Brenner were no-shows, and Larry King was replaced as host by Jack Riley, one of the patients in Bob Newhart’s TV group-therapy ensemble.

Paula Poundstone, the only female comic, resorted to her forte, asking an audience member, “What do you do for a living?” He was an attorney–giving her the opportunity to talk about her own problems with the law–and he turned out to have started the first Mort Sahl fan club in 1956. She asked if all the members of his fan club wore those cute red pullover sweaters like Mort did.

Although all the performers topped off their regular schtick with praise for Sahl’s comedic breakthrough, Albert Brooks was the most original and unique to the context of this occasion.

“I’m embarrassed tonight,” he began. “And angry. And I’m confused. I don’t know the people that produced this show at all. But I would strongly suggest that when they do an event like this again, they spend a little extra money and hire a real publicity firm to disseminate the information correctly. I was told that Mort Sahl passed away. So you can imagine my shock, my dismay, and quite frankly my disappointment, when I arrived here this evening and saw him standing there.

“I worked very, very hard on this eulogy–and unlike other comedians tonight, I don’t have a current act, I just can’t pull ten minutes off the top of my head–so I do this, or I have nothing. I asked myself, ‘What would the late Mort Sahl say?’ I think he would have said, ‘You do it.’ Nobody appreciated a turn of a phrase, a beautifully-written sentence, as much as he did. But then again I say, to the people that produced the show, ‘If you don’t wanna spring for full-blown publicity, please get someone who will talk to the talent.”

And he started to read aloud:

“Mort Sahl–1927 to 2007. Mort? We hardly knew you. I remember the last time I saw Mort alive. It was at a Starbucks near where I live. And now I wish I’d said the things that I really felt. I wish I’d said how much he influenced all of us here. How brave he was. I wish I’d have told him how much of an innovator he was. I wish I’d have told him how much I loved listening to his records. While he was here. But I didn’t. All that I think I said that day was, ‘Are you gonna finish that latte?’

“This should be a lesson to all of us. If you see someone that you love, don’t ask for their food. Tell them how much they mean to you. Do you know what? On a night like this, I think we need to look on the positive side. From what was told to me, Mort didn’t suffer. He died as he lived. In his sleep. It’s at times like these that I think of what the great Alexander the Great said to his brother in the middle of a fierce fight. He said, ‘I’m going home. I don’t wanna fight anymore. You can take over. And try not to die.’

“If only I’d said that to Mort Sahl! That day in Starbucks. But I didn’t. Actually I think, along with the latte comment, I also asked him if he were going to eat the scone. But you know what? I’m sure he knew what I meant. I’m sure he read into that freeloading comment, the fact that I loved him….”

Finally, Sahl himself took the stage–wearing, of course, his signature red pullover sweater.

“I’ve been very moved by everybody tonight,” he said. “And I had a good time laughing. I want you to know it really did knock me out. And I also want you to know that I’ll do it as long as they let me. I didn’t want this to be a retirement party, you know. I’m still in business. And to reference that business–when Bill Maher came down to so graciously keep us company, was talking about the Bush administration–you know, I know the president, and he told me that he doesn’t drink. And he said, ‘I don’t need it, because I’ve been born again. And what occurred to me in the moment was: If you had the rare opportunity to be born again, why would you come back as George Bush?…Cheney went to the hospital. Got an aneuryism in the right knee. You know, the one that replaced the left knee. Also he’s had four heart attacks and also a pacemaker. They’re reconstructing Cheney, a Halliburton corporation. And they’re overcharging him.”

At one point, someone shouted, “Hey, Mort! You avoid 9/11 in your act. You always talked about the Warren Commission. You were all over it!”

“You hear that?” Sahl asked the audience. “It was something to do with the Warren Commission. Well, you know that’s how I went out of business for about twelve years. But I stuck to my guns, because I remember something [Bobby] Kennedy said: ‘To all you with the guns out there. You may be able to slay the dreamer, but you haven’t slain the dream.’ I came to this because I really thought I was an American and really had the capacity to dream. You all know that if you watch Turner Classic Movies. That’s what the movies were about–it was a dark place where people could fall in love and moral issues could be resolved. My grandfather came from Lithuania, although Lou Dobbs tried to stop him….I dreamed that dream.

“When I started this act,” he concluded, “although I was just lonesome and looking for a family, in a larger sense I saw it as a rescue mission for America…but I believe it more than ever, in spite of the odds. That the good guys’ll win….I tried to get to your funny bone and get into your head, but apparently I also got into your heart.”

———

Satirist Paul Krassner will perform at M Bar in Hollywood on July 20.
More info: paulkrassner.com