Arthur presents "BAPTISM IN MAVERICK JUICE!" by Paul Krassner

Baptism in Maverick Juice!
A special sneak preview of this fall’s Palin-McCain reality sitcom
by Paul Krassner

Referring to the Ronald Reagan presidency, Neal Gabler has written about “the triumph of entertainment over political ideology of any sort.” And Kurt Andersen labeled Bill Clinton the “Entertainer-in-Chief.” The voters are the audience, conditioned to fear and superficiality in commercials for erectile dysfunction and political campaigns alike, both having scary side
effects. And now the injection of Sarah Palin and her family into the McCain campaign makes one wonder whether the winner of this race will ultimately depend on which candidate presents the better sitcom. It already isa reality show. Do you know what the difference is between a sitcom and a reality show? The laugh track. Otherwise, how would the masses be able to tell whether something is funny or not? Hmmmmm… In any case, we’re pleased to present several scenes from the pilot episode of…

BRIDGES TO NOWHERE

[The theme song by Britney Spears, “Oops! I Did It Again,” is accompanied by a montage of Sarah in different contexts, as the opening credits are superimposed on those images: In a helicopter, using a machine-gun to shoot a wolf running away in the snow. As a contestant in the Miss Alaska competition. A wedding photo. Burning a pile of books. Jumping high to block a shot in a basketball game. Seated at her desk in the governor’s office. At a barbecue with her children. Giving a speech to a large crowd. At the bank, exchanging a wolf’s left foreleg for a $150 bounty.]

* * *

[Sarah and Todd Palin are slumped down on the living-room sofa.]

SARAH: I’m exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. I was at the Learning Annex all day, taking that course in “How to Be a Vice President.”

TODD: And I was interviewing potential nannies all day. No one fits the bill yet. But I just keep calling the agency. Maybe I’ll try Craigslist.

[The telephone rings. Todd picks it up.]

TODD: Hello…thanks, I will. [Hangs up the phone and clicks on the TV That was McCain. [Looks at TV Guide for the channel number and clicks the TV on.]Keith Olbermann is doing a Special Comment about you on MSNBC.

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