From Arthur Magazine No. 30 (July 2008), available from the Arthur Store for $6 postpaid.
Two dudes, who remain pseudonymous for their own protection, reason together about new records. They are joined this issue by Melvins’ BUZZ OSBORNE, pictured below at Arthur HQ with his pick o’ this issue’s litter…
D: [listening to opening bomber] He’s inviting us over to smoke “figs” in his yard. Is that a misprint?
C: [pointing at band photograph] They’re in the backyard because these guys are too old too be smokin’ in the boys’ room. Another in a great history of smoking location songs.
D: That could be a Bob Dylan Theme Time Radio Hour!
C: And invitation songs. Remember that Paul Wine Jones song? “Me and the boys/gonna have a good time tonight/Gonna play some poker/Pork chops.” I miss Paul Jones. That guy rocked and had velvet hats to burn. Not that you should ever burn a velvet hat.
D: [musing over band photo, especially the longhair] What does that guy do all day?
C: When not masquerading as a hick savant guarding mama’s moonshine still? Apparently he’s one of the deepest psych record collectors on the East Coast.
D: [looking at band picture again] I would say he’s one of the top hair growers on the East Coast!
C: Endless hair never ends. Seriously though, a band like this only needs one True Believer. And this guy definitely qualifies, let me tell you!
D: [listening to singer squeal, squawk, mutter and grunt on “The Manly Vibe”] Brings back fond memories of Hasil Adkins talking about hot dogs and doing the hunch.
C: Yeah, if Hasil dug the Nuge instead of the King. This album is for everyone who’s ever thought George Thorogood didn’t finish the job.
D: [abruptly] Or that the Kings of Leon aren’t old enough!
C: … Anyways, I saw these guys play last week.
D: Well of the course the question is, Can they boogie endlessly?
C: Yes, they are quite capable, these Endless Boogiemen. And after the first song, which lasted about two and a half hours, the singer asked “Do I seem taller? I got some new shoes!” Where’d you get ‘em? somebody yelled. “He took a few seconds, and then answered: “I bought ’em at a store!” They’ve got cool t-shirts: just an infinity sign on black.
D: Can you understand what he’s singing?
C: He’s singing in tongues. This song is called “Steak Rock.” Which is about right. I bet the song is timed so that you can cook a steak in the amount of time it takes to listen to it. So where’s the barbecue at?
D: Not in my backyard, sadly.
C: This record should come with an order of peach cobbler.
D: [helpfully] And napkins!
D: [doorbell rings] We have a guest.
[Enter Melvins vocalist/guitarist Buzz “King Buzzo” Osborne]