“Do the Math” column by Dave Reeves
originally published in Arthur No. 23 (July 2006)
Blackout. Summertime. Populace accepts that utility companies have again fried the grid for profit. Hours go by. Americans go without television, SUVs, flash-fried food. Coffee runs out. Shortages of chronic and chronic shortages. Rumor becomes news. Alcohol reserves are drunk away and the rabble seethe in the street, commiserating about how it was this very publication that printed the recipe for the diabolical bomb that left the assholes standing but killed their precious machines. [see our Q&A with Derrick Jensen from Arthur 23 – ed.]
Emergency personnel stay at home because, like that great American Bob Dylan said, “The cops don’t need you and, man, they expect the same.” The National Guard is busy on the border, the French Quarter and Iraq. Everyone is a suspect.
“There he is! I saw him reading that Arthur!” the mob yells.
And then, dear reader, you realize that when the transistors are dead, the world is run by a lower phylum of machine: the gun.
Now I’m not saying you need to get one, but you can never be too careful what with this Arthur magazine monkeying around with these new-fangled technology bombs. Of course you are scared of guns because the liberal media constantly portrays people misusing these valuable tools. The smart hipster won’t let crappy television writers’ abuse of the pistol as a modern day Deus Ex Machina divert her from the path of preparedness. Just think of a gun as one of those “Talking Sticks” at a Rainbow Family Gathering: if you have a Talking Stick, you get to say something and people have to listen, and if you don’t have one you have to shut the hell up.
Here’s a list of “sensitive weapons” that even a vegetarian could use in the near future, cribbed in these last precious moments while this computer still works. I’ve listed them in the order that they should be purchased, so that you may gradually warm to the idea of being a citizen capable of doing what it takes to keep America on course.
Blow gun/sling shot
No big whup. These aren’t even weapons. They’re fun! When worse comes to worst and emergency supplies run out, you can shoot some apples out of the tree for food. Added bonus is that when the overarmed zealots take power and make the Holy Bible the law, getting that “eye for an eye” with a slingshot will be more sanitary than using your fingers.
Don’t let the word “rifle” fool you. It’s nothing but a toy which, with a little duct tape, can be modified into a directional claymore mine should an emergency situation arise.
Your dad should have given you a BB gun when you were eight, but since he didn’t love you enough to let you own the gift of freedom, I’ll give you the basic rules right quick:
1. All guns are loaded all the time, even when they are not.
2. You’ll put your eye out.
3. Fried squirrel is delicious.
A fun thing to do is get a target and put a picture of your least favorite politician on it. Practice taking his eyes out from further and further away. Try not to blink when you pull the trigger!
Okay, now that you’ve purchased a toy facsimile of a real gun you’re not going to feel so funny about purchasing a box of shotgun shells. These aren’t weapons, they’re just ammunition. Nothing wrong with that. You can still vote Libertarian.
Now let’s return to our scenario: A mob is at your door demanding food and water, not that you have any. Luckily, you took my good advice and got an air rifle and a box of shotgun shells. The time has come to duct tape a shotgun shell to the end of your BB gun. Be sure to line the BB’s path from the barrel so it hits the firing cap on the shotgun shell. If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute.
Once the trigger is pulled, the BB will travel up the barrel and hit the cap. The cap then explodes, sending birdshot flying to poke little holes in everything for about 30 feet square in front of you, resulting in the distinctive striations in an assailant known as a “Tennessee Tattoo.”
As a liberal you love this weapon because it is tacked together with duct tape, clears a room faster than Al Gore and, like Karma, it doesn’t kill. Use the valuable shock and awe time to duck out and run run run. Make your way to Humboldt, Asheville, Lawrence or Canada. Travel by night. Moss grows on the north side of the trees.
According to a guy who lived in a post-E-bomb environment all the time, Thomas Jefferson, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of patriots and tyrants from time to time.” The liberty tree is looking rough right now because all we feed it is this new blood. Blood is fine like wine and needs some age and body to come alive. I’m sure Bush and Cheney wouldn’t hesitate to give some blue blood to the liberty tree, if some sharpshooter put a bullet in their eye. I’m not saying (in print) that anybody should shoot the president, but good citizen, get a BB gun and work on your aim. Soon we may have to provide a clear mandate that these criminals will not be able to misinterpret.
Hanging chads won’t matter when it’s time to hang George, dear patriot.
you have contributed to my having fallen madly in love with this magazine as of yesterday instead of a semi-passive leisurely “oh arthur i’ve run into you again, come into my hands and let me read you again” deep like i used to feel.
“As a liberal you love this weapon because it is tacked together with duct tape, clears a room faster than Al Gore and, like Karma, it doesn’t kill. Use the valuable shock and awe time to duck out and run run run. Make your way to Humboldt, Asheville, Lawrence or Canada. Travel by night. Moss grows on the north side of the trees.” YES! though sometimes the moss extends its directional point and confuses me in my flight.
these ideas are seem very logical.
That’s funny like Patrick McManus is funny! I just snorked turkeyburger helper into my soft palate trying not to spit it on my keyboard. Remember man, if you write it, it’s treason, but if you just say it, it’s reason!
Aw come on just tell the hippies to get a shotgun, way more effective than that weird pellet gun contraption. How are you going to scare away the people trying to steal your tomatoes and corn? Rocksalt and birdshot from a 12ga. They’re pretty cheap as far as guns go, and you will be able to get more shots out and buy even more time than the pellet gun thing.
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