Register to Vote Now … Or Face Horrible Moose-Bone Juju Forever

Tonight, the most spectacularly unprepared vice presidential candidate ever to foul a ballot — and yes, we’re including Dan Quayle — will get her comeuppance on national teevee. Barring some brutal and unforeseen brain hiccup on the part of Joe Biden (AKA “the candidate not running alongside an Evil Albino Scum-Hobbit”),  tonight’s debate will once and for all unmask Sarah Palin as a corrupt and witless hairdo — even for that great and quivering mass of Americans who understand little beyond sugary soft drinks, Rush Limbaugh’s Oxycodone-scented bellowing, and processed cheese.

Naturally, the Arthur D.C. Bureau is feeling a wee bit festive this evening, and so we’ll likely be having a cocktail or two with friends in front of a big-screen somewhere.

What will we be drinking?

White Russians. Sitting across the room from us. Close enough to see, but not close enough to know what they actually taste like.*

Whoops … Sorry for that. What we meant to say is this: Do yrself and the planet a big fat favor and register to vote. Find the board of elections wherever you live, whether city or backwater, and hustle on down there with yr ID, maybe even two. The cutoff date is drawing perilously near; the deadline for many states for the Nov. 4 election is Monday.

Look, the system’s broken blah blah blah. We know. But remember: Not voting this time around is just like handing that rotten old coot a copy of the Bill of Rights and pointing him toward the toilet. It’s different this time, for many more reasons than we have time to go into here.

Some of you aren’t swayed by appeals to yr civic duty, or even to reason, but we understand that, frequently having acted unreasonably ourselves. So we’ll ply you with alcohol: Any Magpie readers who provide proof of voter registration, in person, to the Arthur D.C. Bureau, between the time of this posting and Election Day are entitled to one (1) free drink.**  We’re not really sure whether this runs afoul of any election laws, but we haven’t talked to any lawyers today and we’d like to keep it that way.

All the best,

*  We will also be eating Freddie Mac-n’-Cheese, Baked Alaska and all sorts of Vietnamese food.

** Offer expires yesterday. Unless you actually are able to hunt the Bureau Chief down, in which case you deserve a drink.

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About Jay Babcock

I am an independent writer and editor based in Tucson, Arizona. In 2022: I publish a weeklyish email newsletter called LANDLINE = Previously: I co-founded and edited Arthur Magazine (2002-2008, 2012-13) and curated the three Arthur music festival events (Arthurfest, ArthurBall, and Arthur Nights) (2005-6). Prior to that I was a district office staffer for Congressman Henry A. Waxman, a DJ at Silver Lake pirate radio station KBLT, a copy editor at Larry Flynt Publications, an editor at Mean magazine, and a freelance journalist contributing work to LAWeekly, Mojo, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Vibe, Rap Pages, Grand Royal and many other print and online outlets. An extended piece I wrote on Fela Kuti was selected for the Da Capo Best Music Writing 2000 anthology. In 2006, I was somehow listed in the Music section of Los Angeles Magazine's annual "Power" issue. In 2007-8, I produced a blog called "Nature Trumps," about the L.A. River. From 2010 to 2021, I lived in rural wilderness in Joshua Tree, Ca., where I practiced with Buddhist teacher Ruth Denison and was involved in various pro-ecology and social justice activist activities.

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