Originally published in Arthur No. 10 (May 2004). Illustration by Brian Ralph…

“I COULD USE SOME FLIP-FLOPS”: What if Godzilla was one of us? A slightly testy King of Monsters reflects on his long career in this exclusive interview with Dave Tompkins

Known for his bad sense of direction, Godzilla “King of the Monsters” was recently spotted lumbering around Long Island, insisting to bewildered local officials that he was on “Monster Island” and asking where the hell was Rodan and in general making a big mess. Apparently, the Kaji Eigu legend hadn’t been notified that local mecha-faced rapper MF Doom had transferred the title of God’s former stomping ground to a New York suburb known for its tasteful lawn furniture, cracked toenail polish and a crew of rappers called “the Monster Island Czars.” Confused but flattered, Godzilla was in good spirits when Arthur correspondent Dave Tompkins found him resting comfortably in an orange floral lounger, popping beta capsules in Doom’s backyard. After an unprecedented 50 years in the monster game, Godzilla is happy to finally retire—though he’d still suit-up at a moment’s roar. Under a bruised sky, the bomb-born icon reflected on his career, quoted Public Enemy and marveled at how he nearly had his ass whooped by a moth…

ARTHUR: Godziller, wake up.

Godzilla: I dreamt I was a 400-foot tall black guy having sex with a volcano.

ARTHUR: That was the Dave Chappelle Show…

Godzilla: He was Blackzilla and the volcano was a very active Mount Fuji. My name is everywhere… from Yankees pitchers to Parliament bass players. I can’t be mad at that.